Now Playing: Drake - A Little Bit (So Far Gone)
Hey everyone, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. A lot of things have changed in my life since my last entry. Some for the better, some for worse. I have always been one to embrace hardship and try to persevere. I have gone through a lot of awful things in my life and this has caused me to have pretty thick skin. With that being said, I also feel very weak at times. Almost helpless. I don't like being in a spot where I cannot completely control my future. I have always wanted as much freedom as possible.
Anyway, I'm still living in Vancouver and I really enjoy the city. It's been extremely cold and rainy, but beside that I really love it here. I met a great girl around May of this year when I first moved to Canada. We dated for a few months before ending our relationship. I was heart broken, but in hindsight we simply weren't ready for a relationship yet. I thought I was, but I really wasn't. We started hanging out as friends again and I slowly fell back in love with her. I've never been in love before so it's a really weird feeling, a really great weird feeling. We're dating again as of a month ago, but it feels like I've known her for years. I never thought I'd say this so young, but I can definitely see us spending the rest of our lives together. Crazy, right?! With how unstable my life has been it's nice to have some things that are normal. She brings that stability in to my life. She's pretty much perfect to me in every single way. Gorgeous, intelligent, ambitious, etc. She works hard at what she does and it's extremely refreshing to meet a girl like that.
I did date a few other girls in between May and when I got back together with my current girlfriend, and playing the field was fun I can't lie. I am extremely happy right now though in that regard. I hope things continue to be great in our relationship. I ended up really hurting a great girl in the process of dating again, and I still feel horrible about it. I had some feelings for her, but my heart has always been with my current girlfriend even when we briefly split. I think that girl hates me now, and thinks i'm someone who cheats or whatever. This is really hard for me to deal with, but I hope she moves on and has a great and happy life. I never meant any harm. There's a very small chance she's reading this (the ex) and if you are, I apologize. Nothing I ever told you was a lie and I wish we could be friends still, but I understand you needing to move on in life. Best of luck and I hope you find an even better guy than me!
Enough with the sappy relationship stuff. I never write about things that are extremely personal to me, but this is going to change. I finally feel comfortable enough to really let everything out. I don't care who judges me and I genuinely try to be a good person, help people, and have loving relationships. Every person I lie to or hurt kills me inside, and I was essentially living a lie for the last couple of years. I've never stated this publicly (beside being VERY vague) but I've been a drug addict for quite some time.
I started abusing prescription pain pills (vicodin, oxycodone, etc.) about three years ago. I thought they were a miracle drug. I mean one pill took way my anxiety, made me more confident and happy, and balanced my mood. It was too good to be true and I wish I knew it. I was much too young, and these drugs are INCREDIBLY addictive. I've never considered myself to have an addictive personality. I was always able to control myself with my drug use until I got in to the opiates. I was taking them for three years straight…and I pretty much never missed a day.
I'm currently a little over one week sober and it feels incredible. I feel like a new person. My head is finally actually clear. I was essentially living in a drugged out haze for so long that I forgot how to actually feel emotions. Being sober is a high in itself, and I have no desire or cravings what so ever for the drugs. This is odd to me, as most addicts who quit still crave the drug for years after they quit. I guess I just hit such a low in my life due to drug use that I cannot even fathom going back to that lifestyle. Detoxing from those drugs was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I'm SO happy I did it though, and I'm happy I have so much support and so many people that truly love and care for me. I literally had to do a drug just to feel normal in the morning. If I didn't have an oxycontin, I couldn't function that day. That is not a lifestyle I recommend.
I still do have anxiety. Emotional pain can be and is worse for me than any physical pain for the most part. I've been plagued with anxiety for many years, but I'm finally learning to just be happy. I hope one day I stop having panic attacks completely, but until that day comes I just learn how to cope with it. I don't like my mind clouded with drugs, though if I do have a bad panic attack I have some medication to take. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it is nice to have that sense of a safety net.
So basically everything is going well in my life except for the poker/financial side. As I had such a massive drug habit, I blew through six figures easily over the last year or two especially. I betrayed a lot of very good people, and tarnished my reputation in the process. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to everyone I lied to and hurt during my drug addiction. I know I'll never touch another pain pill again, and will be working on mending relationships for a while. I look forward to a very bright future.
For the next month I'm basically in full grind mode. I'm playing at least 50 hour weeks, 5-6 days a week. All I do is play poker and hang out with my amazing girlfriend. This is definitely the lowest point I've been at financially, but the highest point I've been at in terms of happiness and health. I have no doubt in my mind that in a few months time i'll be right back on my feet. I feel like I'm playing better than ever, and playing more than ever. This is usually a winning combination. Hopefully FTOPS is good for me!
So that's pretty much everything that's going on in my life right now. I am still working on getting dual citizenship for Canada/USA, but it's difficult. I plan to go home and visit family as soon as I do get citizenship, but until then it's full on grind mode. Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading everyone. I'm going to start blogging more regularly about my personal and poker life. I have a passion for writing, as well as a need to get all of my thoughts and emotions on paper.
-Brandon
