Honestly...

Now Playing: Drake - A Little Bit (So Far Gone)

Hey everyone, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. A lot of things have changed in my life since my last entry. Some for the better, some for worse. I have always been one to embrace hardship and try to persevere. I have gone through a lot of awful things in my life and this has caused me to have pretty thick skin. With that being said, I also feel very weak at times. Almost helpless. I don't like being in a spot where I cannot completely control my future. I have always wanted as much freedom as possible. 

Anyway, I'm still living in Vancouver and I really enjoy the city. It's been extremely cold and rainy, but beside that I really love it here. I met a great girl around May of this year when I first moved to Canada. We dated for a few months before ending our relationship. I was heart broken, but in hindsight we simply weren't ready for a relationship yet. I thought I was, but I really wasn't. We started hanging out as friends again and I slowly fell back in love with her. I've never been in love before so it's a really weird feeling, a really great weird feeling. We're dating again as of a month ago, but it feels like I've known her for years. I never thought I'd say this so young, but I can definitely see us spending the rest of our lives together. Crazy, right?! With how unstable my life has been it's nice to have some things that are normal. She brings that stability in to my life. She's pretty much perfect to me in every single way. Gorgeous, intelligent, ambitious, etc. She works hard at what she does and it's extremely refreshing to meet a girl like that. 

I did date a few other girls in between May and when I got back together with my current girlfriend, and playing the field was fun I can't lie. I am extremely happy right now though in that regard. I hope things continue to be great in our relationship. I ended up really hurting a great girl in the process of dating again, and I still feel horrible about it. I had some feelings for her, but my heart has always been with my current girlfriend even when we briefly split. I think that girl hates me now, and thinks i'm someone who cheats or whatever. This is really hard for me to deal with, but I hope she moves on and has a great and happy life. I never meant any harm. There's a very small chance she's reading this (the ex) and if you are, I apologize. Nothing I ever told you was a lie and I wish we could be friends still, but I understand you needing to move on in life. Best of luck and I hope you find an even better guy than me! 

Enough with the sappy relationship stuff. I never write about things that are extremely personal to me, but this is going to change. I finally feel comfortable enough to really let everything out. I don't care who judges me and I genuinely try to be a good person, help people, and have loving relationships. Every person I lie to or hurt kills me inside, and I was essentially living a lie for the last couple of years. I've never stated this publicly (beside being VERY vague) but I've been a drug addict for quite some time. 

I started abusing prescription pain pills (vicodin, oxycodone, etc.) about three years ago. I thought they were a miracle drug. I mean one pill took way my anxiety, made me more confident and happy, and balanced my mood. It was too good to be true and I wish I knew it. I was much too young, and these drugs are INCREDIBLY addictive. I've never considered myself to have an addictive personality. I was always able to control myself with my drug use until I got in to the opiates. I was taking them for three years straight…and I pretty much never missed a day.

I'm currently a little over one week sober and it feels incredible. I feel like a new person. My head is finally actually clear. I was essentially living in a drugged out haze for so long that I forgot how to actually feel emotions. Being sober is a high in itself, and I have no desire or cravings what so ever for the drugs. This is odd to me, as most addicts who quit still crave the drug for years after they quit. I guess I just hit such a low in my life due to drug use that I cannot even fathom going back to that lifestyle. Detoxing from those drugs was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I'm SO happy I did it though, and I'm happy I have so much support and so many people that truly love and care for me. I literally had to do a drug just to feel normal in the morning. If I didn't have an oxycontin, I couldn't function that day. That is not a lifestyle I recommend. 

I still do have anxiety. Emotional pain can be and is worse for me than any physical pain for the most part. I've been plagued with anxiety for many years, but I'm finally learning to just be happy. I hope one day I stop having panic attacks completely, but until that day comes I just learn how to cope with it. I don't like my mind clouded with drugs, though if I do have a bad panic attack I have some medication to take. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it is nice to have that sense of a safety net.

So basically everything is going well in my life except for the poker/financial side. As I had such a massive drug habit, I blew through six figures easily over the last year or two especially. I betrayed a lot of very good people, and tarnished my reputation in the process. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to everyone I lied to and hurt during my drug addiction. I know I'll never touch another pain pill again, and will be working on mending relationships for a while. I look forward to a very bright future.

For the next month I'm basically in full grind mode. I'm playing at least 50 hour weeks, 5-6 days a week. All I do is play poker and hang out with my amazing girlfriend. This is definitely the lowest point I've been at financially, but the highest point I've been at in terms of happiness and health. I have no doubt in my mind that in a few months time i'll be right back on my feet. I feel like I'm playing better than ever, and playing more than ever. This is usually a winning combination. Hopefully FTOPS is good for me!

So that's pretty much everything that's going on in my life right now. I am still working on getting dual citizenship for Canada/USA, but it's difficult. I plan to go home and visit family as soon as I do get citizenship, but until then it's full on grind mode. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading everyone. I'm going to start blogging more regularly about my personal and poker life. I have a passion for writing, as well as a need to get all of my thoughts and emotions on paper. 

-Brandon

Change

So many things have changed since my last blog. It seems every time I update, my life is in a completely different direction. I kind of enjoy the craziness in a masochistic kind of way, but it definitely takes its toll on me. My stress levels were at an all time high about a year ago, but now are much lower and I'm feeling really good about life. My life has settled down a lot and I feel like I'm getting in to a groove.

In early May I decided to move to British Columbia, Canada to continue playing online poker. I missed it a lot, and I've always wanted to see Vancouver. I'm so happy I made the move. Vancouver is the nicest city I've ever been to, and I can't wait to move in to my new condo downtown in a few weeks. I'm currently living in Surrey, which is a suburb of Vancouver. It has some advantages, like cost of living, but I would strongly prefer paying more and living in a gorgeous location. I already have a condo picked out, and I'm going to sign my three month lease soon. At least before I leave for Florida on the 19th.

I'm flying in to Ft. Lauderdale and staying in my friend/backer's condo which is awesome. It's a gorgeous condo in a beautiful location, within 15-30 minutes of every casino that runs big games. The Florida State Poker Championship is going on, so I'm mainly going down there for that. I plan to play a ton of cash games, as the games are always very juicy down in southern Florida. Now with a lucrative backing deal, I'm able to play the biggest games there. Prior to being backed I just played the 10/25, which was always very soft...but I really wanted to take some shots at the bigger games. There were very wealthy recreational players in them very often, but in order to play I would've had to sell the majority of my action. The three tournaments I plan to play are the $1500 bounty event, $2K 6max, and the $5K main event which is a re-entry. I'm really excited, and think my live game is very strong. I'm also extremely hungry to win a big live tournament. The $5K would be perfect. I can't wait.


On the more personal side of things, I saw a doctor while I was in Michigan visiting friends and family. I of course have had some extremely high stress and anxiety levels given my family and personal history, causing some medical problems. I talked to a doctor, and he helped me out a lot. He gave me some things to read, some new information, and a prescription for extra strength Prilosec for my acid reflux. I'm really hoping I don't have to have surgery in order to fix my esophagus. I'm not a huge fan of hospitals to say the least. So anyway, my anxiety levels are at an all time low, and my acid reflux is at least being maintained right now. It's definitely not fixed, so I need to figure that out. It really is a pain in every day life and alters my eating and sleeping habits drastically.

I also met a girl here in Vancouver. We've gone on two dates so far, and I've known her for about two or three weeks now. I'd say it's going well for how little time we've known each other. The little time we have spent together has been a lot of a lot of fun, and I feel like there's at least a chance it lasts for a long time. You never know though, so only time will tell. If it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be. I feel like it takes a lot to hurt me, even though I'm certainly still a fragile person.

So I will give a little poker update as well. As I said before, I'm now backed by a well known high stakes cash game player. It's a very good deal, and it allows me to play in all of the huge games I believe I am clearly +EV in. So far, the cash games have not gone my way at all. I'm getting absolutely destroyed, but it's only been a couple of weeks so while it's off-putting, I will not be deterred and I will continue to grind it out. I still feel really good about my poker game, and am excited for the future. I actually had my biggest ever online MTT score, winning the Sunday Warmup after a 3 handed chop. I got a great deal and received just shy of first place with my win. It's funny though, even with that big score, I am still down around $100K on the month. At least I'm backed...I guess.

Anyway, things seem to be going well right now. I am optimistic and excited for the future both poker wise, and for my personal life. I wasn't even interested in dating at all for about a year. I was just travelling so much, and too worried about my health and other issues in my life. Now that I have most things under control, I can finally have some fun. Maybe I can even meet a girl I truly love, but as many of you know that takes a very long time. So while I'm optimistic, I am also realistic and will take any relationship I get in to very slowly. I also am going to start working out a lot more once I move in to my new condo, as I'll have access to a 24 hour fitness center, pool, sauna, hot tub etc. I also plan on possibly getting in to a casual basketball league. I have a lot of things I'd like to do outside of poker, especially things to get healthier and have less stress, and more fun.

Thanks for reading.

-Brandon

Life Is Good!

As I said in my last blog update, I moved to California with my best friend and his mother. It's been about 6 months of living there now and it was probably the best decision I've made in my entire life. Even though soon I'll be moving out to my own place, as well as traveling the world to play poker both live and online, I'll always consider it home. Kazu and Jean (my friend and his loving mother, who basically took me in as her own) are the two best people anyone could have in their lives. I truly consider them as family and love them with all of my heart. They've gotten me through hard times, supported me mentally, and just have improved my life greatly in a fairly short time span. I've never really had a support group in my life and it definitely took a toll on me. Now that I have one, I have basically just slowed down. I don't do as many things on a whim anymore, (I still do sometimes, because it's part of who I am, and it's just downright fun!) and I am able to really take things in to consideration before I jump right in.


Since I moved from Michigan/Mexico to SoCal, I've become more mentally stable, I kicked a lot of bad habits, and I'm so much healthier both mentally and physically. I've always had way more responsibilities than the vast majority of people my age, but now I feel like I'm ready for these responsibilities and they don't cause me as much stress and anxiety. The key thing I've learned is just to SLOW DOWN!


On the poker side of things I've been doing very well. I feel great about my poker ability right now, better than I ever have for sure. I truly believe I'm one of the strongest NLHE HU players there is right now at my respective stakes (10-20 and lower). I strive to be the absolute best in the world, and honestly believe one day I can be considered as such. My MTT game has also improved, but I'm nowhere as good as I need to be mostly due to patience. My live MTT game is extremely strong, as I seem to thrive in deep stack tournaments and I am able to focus so much more while playing live. Online MTTs I've always had a problem with. I seem to punt off stacks more unless it's a larger buy-in, more deepstacked event. I've gotten better with this, but the "over it factor" is still there once in a while. I still believe I'm +EV in almost any online tournament field, but I definitely can and will improve in the future.


I've been traveling a lot lately after a fairly long hiatus from poker. I was basically just getting my life back together, and feel good enough mentally and physically to get back on the grind. I've been doing extremely well in cash games (mostly HU, some 6-max) and also chopped a prelim in Florida for $45,000. It was a nice confidence boost to get another decent score in the live tournament arena. I feel like I've fixed an incredible amount of leaks I use to have when I first started playing live. It's been a huge learning curve, way more of one than I thought there would be. I think many online players think it's pretty much the same game, and it isn't. A lot of decent online grinders are absolutely horrific live and are certainly -EV in even fairly soft fields. Just in my short amount of time playing big live MTTs, I've seen a lot of fairly good online players punt off stacks in spots that are just horrible. Not that I'm immune to this or anything, I've done my fair share of punting as well, but I'd like to think that's mostly in the past.


I'm moving to Vancouver right for the start of SCOOP (Spring Championship of Online Poker) on Stars. I will be there for at least 4 months, and probably closer to 6. After that I don't have any real plans. It depends on the state of online poker in the USA, which is improving every day. If this Stars deal goes through to buy Full Tilt, it will be a great day in online poker and surely regulation will be in place within the next year or two. After my six months are up in Canada (you can only spend six out of 12 months in Canada as a tourist) I will consider moving to Europe. I really am in grind mode right now and am loving the game.


Until next time,


-Brandon