Hi

Testing this out, I might start posting some blogs again when I have some time and am bored. I'm making it public now too, and I'll leave all the old posts up. It's funny looking back at how ignorant I was, I mean I think I was intelligent for my age and all but just a bit too cocky and thought I knew way more than I did. I still don't know anything, but at least now I'm trying to be a bit more careful. I think realizing you don't know nearly as much as you think you do is a good thing though. It brings you back down to Earth. Anyway, I probably won't make a long update post. If you know me you probably know where I'm at right now in my life and that's all that matters. I'll use this to update the future instead of dwelling on the past.

I look forward to using this as an outlet again and being honest with everyone, or as honest as I can be!

-Brandon

Honestly...

Now Playing: Drake - A Little Bit (So Far Gone)

Hey everyone, I haven't written a blog in quite a while. A lot of things have changed in my life since my last entry. Some for the better, some for worse. I have always been one to embrace hardship and try to persevere. I have gone through a lot of awful things in my life and this has caused me to have pretty thick skin. With that being said, I also feel very weak at times. Almost helpless. I don't like being in a spot where I cannot completely control my future. I have always wanted as much freedom as possible. 

Anyway, I'm still living in Vancouver and I really enjoy the city. It's been extremely cold and rainy, but beside that I really love it here. I met a great girl around May of this year when I first moved to Canada. We dated for a few months before ending our relationship. I was heart broken, but in hindsight we simply weren't ready for a relationship yet. I thought I was, but I really wasn't. We started hanging out as friends again and I slowly fell back in love with her. I've never been in love before so it's a really weird feeling, a really great weird feeling. We're dating again as of a month ago, but it feels like I've known her for years. I never thought I'd say this so young, but I can definitely see us spending the rest of our lives together. Crazy, right?! With how unstable my life has been it's nice to have some things that are normal. She brings that stability in to my life. She's pretty much perfect to me in every single way. Gorgeous, intelligent, ambitious, etc. She works hard at what she does and it's extremely refreshing to meet a girl like that. 

I did date a few other girls in between May and when I got back together with my current girlfriend, and playing the field was fun I can't lie. I am extremely happy right now though in that regard. I hope things continue to be great in our relationship. I ended up really hurting a great girl in the process of dating again, and I still feel horrible about it. I had some feelings for her, but my heart has always been with my current girlfriend even when we briefly split. I think that girl hates me now, and thinks i'm someone who cheats or whatever. This is really hard for me to deal with, but I hope she moves on and has a great and happy life. I never meant any harm. There's a very small chance she's reading this (the ex) and if you are, I apologize. Nothing I ever told you was a lie and I wish we could be friends still, but I understand you needing to move on in life. Best of luck and I hope you find an even better guy than me! 

Enough with the sappy relationship stuff. I never write about things that are extremely personal to me, but this is going to change. I finally feel comfortable enough to really let everything out. I don't care who judges me and I genuinely try to be a good person, help people, and have loving relationships. Every person I lie to or hurt kills me inside, and I was essentially living a lie for the last couple of years. I've never stated this publicly (beside being VERY vague) but I've been a drug addict for quite some time. 

I started abusing prescription pain pills (vicodin, oxycodone, etc.) about three years ago. I thought they were a miracle drug. I mean one pill took way my anxiety, made me more confident and happy, and balanced my mood. It was too good to be true and I wish I knew it. I was much too young, and these drugs are INCREDIBLY addictive. I've never considered myself to have an addictive personality. I was always able to control myself with my drug use until I got in to the opiates. I was taking them for three years straight…and I pretty much never missed a day.

I'm currently a little over one week sober and it feels incredible. I feel like a new person. My head is finally actually clear. I was essentially living in a drugged out haze for so long that I forgot how to actually feel emotions. Being sober is a high in itself, and I have no desire or cravings what so ever for the drugs. This is odd to me, as most addicts who quit still crave the drug for years after they quit. I guess I just hit such a low in my life due to drug use that I cannot even fathom going back to that lifestyle. Detoxing from those drugs was the most difficult thing I've done in my life. I'm SO happy I did it though, and I'm happy I have so much support and so many people that truly love and care for me. I literally had to do a drug just to feel normal in the morning. If I didn't have an oxycontin, I couldn't function that day. That is not a lifestyle I recommend. 

I still do have anxiety. Emotional pain can be and is worse for me than any physical pain for the most part. I've been plagued with anxiety for many years, but I'm finally learning to just be happy. I hope one day I stop having panic attacks completely, but until that day comes I just learn how to cope with it. I don't like my mind clouded with drugs, though if I do have a bad panic attack I have some medication to take. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it is nice to have that sense of a safety net.

So basically everything is going well in my life except for the poker/financial side. As I had such a massive drug habit, I blew through six figures easily over the last year or two especially. I betrayed a lot of very good people, and tarnished my reputation in the process. I want to take this time to sincerely apologize to everyone I lied to and hurt during my drug addiction. I know I'll never touch another pain pill again, and will be working on mending relationships for a while. I look forward to a very bright future.

For the next month I'm basically in full grind mode. I'm playing at least 50 hour weeks, 5-6 days a week. All I do is play poker and hang out with my amazing girlfriend. This is definitely the lowest point I've been at financially, but the highest point I've been at in terms of happiness and health. I have no doubt in my mind that in a few months time i'll be right back on my feet. I feel like I'm playing better than ever, and playing more than ever. This is usually a winning combination. Hopefully FTOPS is good for me!

So that's pretty much everything that's going on in my life right now. I am still working on getting dual citizenship for Canada/USA, but it's difficult. I plan to go home and visit family as soon as I do get citizenship, but until then it's full on grind mode. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading everyone. I'm going to start blogging more regularly about my personal and poker life. I have a passion for writing, as well as a need to get all of my thoughts and emotions on paper. 

-Brandon

Change

So many things have changed since my last blog. It seems every time I update, my life is in a completely different direction. I kind of enjoy the craziness in a masochistic kind of way, but it definitely takes its toll on me. My stress levels were at an all time high about a year ago, but now are much lower and I'm feeling really good about life. My life has settled down a lot and I feel like I'm getting in to a groove.

In early May I decided to move to British Columbia, Canada to continue playing online poker. I missed it a lot, and I've always wanted to see Vancouver. I'm so happy I made the move. Vancouver is the nicest city I've ever been to, and I can't wait to move in to my new condo downtown in a few weeks. I'm currently living in Surrey, which is a suburb of Vancouver. It has some advantages, like cost of living, but I would strongly prefer paying more and living in a gorgeous location. I already have a condo picked out, and I'm going to sign my three month lease soon. At least before I leave for Florida on the 19th.

I'm flying in to Ft. Lauderdale and staying in my friend/backer's condo which is awesome. It's a gorgeous condo in a beautiful location, within 15-30 minutes of every casino that runs big games. The Florida State Poker Championship is going on, so I'm mainly going down there for that. I plan to play a ton of cash games, as the games are always very juicy down in southern Florida. Now with a lucrative backing deal, I'm able to play the biggest games there. Prior to being backed I just played the 10/25, which was always very soft...but I really wanted to take some shots at the bigger games. There were very wealthy recreational players in them very often, but in order to play I would've had to sell the majority of my action. The three tournaments I plan to play are the $1500 bounty event, $2K 6max, and the $5K main event which is a re-entry. I'm really excited, and think my live game is very strong. I'm also extremely hungry to win a big live tournament. The $5K would be perfect. I can't wait.


On the more personal side of things, I saw a doctor while I was in Michigan visiting friends and family. I of course have had some extremely high stress and anxiety levels given my family and personal history, causing some medical problems. I talked to a doctor, and he helped me out a lot. He gave me some things to read, some new information, and a prescription for extra strength Prilosec for my acid reflux. I'm really hoping I don't have to have surgery in order to fix my esophagus. I'm not a huge fan of hospitals to say the least. So anyway, my anxiety levels are at an all time low, and my acid reflux is at least being maintained right now. It's definitely not fixed, so I need to figure that out. It really is a pain in every day life and alters my eating and sleeping habits drastically.

I also met a girl here in Vancouver. We've gone on two dates so far, and I've known her for about two or three weeks now. I'd say it's going well for how little time we've known each other. The little time we have spent together has been a lot of a lot of fun, and I feel like there's at least a chance it lasts for a long time. You never know though, so only time will tell. If it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be. I feel like it takes a lot to hurt me, even though I'm certainly still a fragile person.

So I will give a little poker update as well. As I said before, I'm now backed by a well known high stakes cash game player. It's a very good deal, and it allows me to play in all of the huge games I believe I am clearly +EV in. So far, the cash games have not gone my way at all. I'm getting absolutely destroyed, but it's only been a couple of weeks so while it's off-putting, I will not be deterred and I will continue to grind it out. I still feel really good about my poker game, and am excited for the future. I actually had my biggest ever online MTT score, winning the Sunday Warmup after a 3 handed chop. I got a great deal and received just shy of first place with my win. It's funny though, even with that big score, I am still down around $100K on the month. At least I'm backed...I guess.

Anyway, things seem to be going well right now. I am optimistic and excited for the future both poker wise, and for my personal life. I wasn't even interested in dating at all for about a year. I was just travelling so much, and too worried about my health and other issues in my life. Now that I have most things under control, I can finally have some fun. Maybe I can even meet a girl I truly love, but as many of you know that takes a very long time. So while I'm optimistic, I am also realistic and will take any relationship I get in to very slowly. I also am going to start working out a lot more once I move in to my new condo, as I'll have access to a 24 hour fitness center, pool, sauna, hot tub etc. I also plan on possibly getting in to a casual basketball league. I have a lot of things I'd like to do outside of poker, especially things to get healthier and have less stress, and more fun.

Thanks for reading.

-Brandon

Life Is Good!

As I said in my last blog update, I moved to California with my best friend and his mother. It's been about 6 months of living there now and it was probably the best decision I've made in my entire life. Even though soon I'll be moving out to my own place, as well as traveling the world to play poker both live and online, I'll always consider it home. Kazu and Jean (my friend and his loving mother, who basically took me in as her own) are the two best people anyone could have in their lives. I truly consider them as family and love them with all of my heart. They've gotten me through hard times, supported me mentally, and just have improved my life greatly in a fairly short time span. I've never really had a support group in my life and it definitely took a toll on me. Now that I have one, I have basically just slowed down. I don't do as many things on a whim anymore, (I still do sometimes, because it's part of who I am, and it's just downright fun!) and I am able to really take things in to consideration before I jump right in.


Since I moved from Michigan/Mexico to SoCal, I've become more mentally stable, I kicked a lot of bad habits, and I'm so much healthier both mentally and physically. I've always had way more responsibilities than the vast majority of people my age, but now I feel like I'm ready for these responsibilities and they don't cause me as much stress and anxiety. The key thing I've learned is just to SLOW DOWN!


On the poker side of things I've been doing very well. I feel great about my poker ability right now, better than I ever have for sure. I truly believe I'm one of the strongest NLHE HU players there is right now at my respective stakes (10-20 and lower). I strive to be the absolute best in the world, and honestly believe one day I can be considered as such. My MTT game has also improved, but I'm nowhere as good as I need to be mostly due to patience. My live MTT game is extremely strong, as I seem to thrive in deep stack tournaments and I am able to focus so much more while playing live. Online MTTs I've always had a problem with. I seem to punt off stacks more unless it's a larger buy-in, more deepstacked event. I've gotten better with this, but the "over it factor" is still there once in a while. I still believe I'm +EV in almost any online tournament field, but I definitely can and will improve in the future.


I've been traveling a lot lately after a fairly long hiatus from poker. I was basically just getting my life back together, and feel good enough mentally and physically to get back on the grind. I've been doing extremely well in cash games (mostly HU, some 6-max) and also chopped a prelim in Florida for $45,000. It was a nice confidence boost to get another decent score in the live tournament arena. I feel like I've fixed an incredible amount of leaks I use to have when I first started playing live. It's been a huge learning curve, way more of one than I thought there would be. I think many online players think it's pretty much the same game, and it isn't. A lot of decent online grinders are absolutely horrific live and are certainly -EV in even fairly soft fields. Just in my short amount of time playing big live MTTs, I've seen a lot of fairly good online players punt off stacks in spots that are just horrible. Not that I'm immune to this or anything, I've done my fair share of punting as well, but I'd like to think that's mostly in the past.


I'm moving to Vancouver right for the start of SCOOP (Spring Championship of Online Poker) on Stars. I will be there for at least 4 months, and probably closer to 6. After that I don't have any real plans. It depends on the state of online poker in the USA, which is improving every day. If this Stars deal goes through to buy Full Tilt, it will be a great day in online poker and surely regulation will be in place within the next year or two. After my six months are up in Canada (you can only spend six out of 12 months in Canada as a tourist) I will consider moving to Europe. I really am in grind mode right now and am loving the game.


Until next time,


-Brandon

Prague, California, and Michigan

I chose Prague as my first ever trip to Europe. I've heard nothing but amazing things about this tourist city located in the Czech Republic. Most people speak some English here, everyone is very friendly, and the culture and history are absolutely remarkable. There's also one of the biggest tournament series of the year here, so that definitely helped my decision!

So far it's been a fairly uneventful trip poker wise. I've won some money in cash games, but have done very poorly in all of the tournaments I've played. This really doesn't upset me though, as I've still gotten to see quite a bit of Prague both during the day and at night. It truly is a gorgeous city and has some of the most amazing architecture I've seen in my entire life. I got to see the Prague Castle, which is the biggest castle in the entire world. Quite the monument to say the least.

My friend and I got dropped off at the castle and decided to basically wing it and figure out where to go from there. This turned out pretty well as we got to see some of the most breathtaking things I've ever seen. I have an entire album on Facebook with all of the photos from the trip. I hope to add more as I still have a day or two in Prague.

One day I wouldn't mind living somewhere in Europe. Everything just seems to make more sense here. I'd have to get over the cold environment, but lately the United States doesn't seem like the absolute greatest country to live in. Regardless of my living situation I will certainly be traveling to Europe again in the near future. Australia in January is a strong possibility as well.

I've been officially living in California for about two months now and I like it a lot. I feel like I really have a family there and I'm definitely happier than I've ever been. The only thing I really miss about Michigan are my friends and family. It's also very hard to meet girls in a place where you know nobody, but I guess everything takes time. I cannot imagine really moving back to MI for a long period of time. It's just a miserable state with a horrible economy. The weather isn't so great either.

Procrastination

"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task."

This is one of the most appropriate quotes for my life right now. I feel as though I have so much to accomplish that I haven't even started on yet. As a lot of you may know, I had the biggest score of my life netting me around $60,000 in profit a few weeks ago. This has given me the financial freedom (coupled with my previous meager networth) to do pretty much whatever I'd like to do within reason. This means travel the world, pursue any interests I'd like, and just feel financially stable. I'd also like to add that two friends and I have created a poker training site that I own a pretty large % of. I will also be the lead instructor there and produce videos, be in charge of advertising etc. I'll release the name of the site once everything is on paper. This will be great for a side project, and to add some passive income.

One of the big things I've been putting off in life is higher education My problem is motivating myself to pursue college and figure out what I really want to do with my life. Poker to me is fairly fulfilling, even though in general it is a pretty shallow game, It allows me to use all of my brain power to compete in a so ever changing environment. I've also proven I can indeed play this game for a living for a very long time. Poker is at its absolute lowest point right now and I'm still doing very well for myself. When poker gets regulated in the United States I am very confident in the fact I can beat the games for an extremely comfortable living, doing something I enjoy doing.

I still would like to achieve goals beyond that though, but I have such conflicting interests and keep "putting off" school to do things like travel. I absolutely love traveling and it's one of my passions in life. I've always dreamed of traveling to Europe, Australia, Asia, etc. I now have the ability to do these things, while still making money doing so. Some of the most beautiful cities in the world have amazing tournament stops so I can kill two birds with one stone.

With all of that being said, I really have a lot of things to figure out in my life the next few months. I need to figure out if I'm going to move to Vancouver or Europe to continue playing poker, go to college, or do both. I'd also like to become more healthy which I'm definitely on track to doing.


In my next blog I'll post about how my Prague trip went, living in California, and some other fun things I've done in the last month or so.

-Brandon

Cali

I've been in Temecula, CA for a little over two weeks now. I'm settled in and have gotten back in touch with a lot of friends and family I hadn't talked to in a month or two. Cabo was pretty isolating as I wasn't really able to use my cell phone, and Facebook chat really isn't the same. I'm glad I reconnected with everyone and I'm excited to see everyone in a couple of weeks. I'll be in Michigan from the 17th of November until December 1st. I'm going to play the HPT $1650 on the 19th, then Thanksgiving with family. The day after Thanksgiving I have tickets with a few of my friends for the Kanye West/Jay-Z concert. I haven't been this excited to go back to that awful glove shaped state in a long time.

I've made the decision to stay in Temecula indefinitely. I love it here so much and I don't think I've been this happy in years. I feel no burden and have people I love around me. Again I'm really happy with my decision to leave Cabo and look forward to a healthy and prosperous future. I'm going to obtain residency in CA, and attend school here next Fall.

Thanks for the support and for reading. I plan to update this more frequently.

-Brandon